


Crash into Me

by theskywasblue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-07
Updated: 2010-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-10 10:29:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/98742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasblue/pseuds/theskywasblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo gets a visitor and sorts out a complicated past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crash into Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [babydragoneye](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=babydragoneye).



_“You couldn’t have told me sooner?”_

“Well – it’s just...after everything that happened, it just seemed...unnecessarily cruel.”

* * *

“Hey Gojyo – man where’re you going?”

Gojyo was halfway out the door, dirty apron tossed over his shoulder, hair already pulled out of his messy ponytail, jacket hanging loose to the late autumn wind. He turned on his heel and looked back towards the grill, waving. “Where the hell do you think? I’m going _home_ Banri – you know, that place people go when they’re done working?”

“That’s the _bar_ man!” Banri half-climbed over the sink and through the kitchen window to shout at him, miming bringing a beer to his grinning lips, “You’re tellin’ me you’re not headed to the bar on your first night of Vay-cay-shun? Gimme a break!”

“Nah – I gotta get up early.”

“Oh that’s _right_...” Banri leered, licking his lips teasingly and making a crude gesture that was lost behind the partition, “Better clear out your rat’s nest since your _boyfriend_’s comin’ in from Tokyo.”

“He’s not my boyfriend asswipe,” Gojyo turned back to the door to hide what he was sure was a pained look on his face.

“Whatever man,” Banri shouted after him as he retreated into the cool, damp night, “When you get tired of carrying a torch for him, come see me!”

_I’m not carrying a torch,_ Gojyo thought bitterly as he took to the dark street, shoulders hunched against the damp chill. There was nothing to carry a torch over, pretty much just one stupid, perfect night full of wasted potential. It wasn’t his fault; it wasn’t even Hakkai’s fault really. No one in their right mind would turn down acceptance to one of the country’s best medical schools, especially not to stay with a loser like Gojyo.

But all that wasn’t worth thinking about. He _was_ going to see Hakkai, his friend, his _best_ friend, and everything would be fine, just the way it had been before he made a very stupid mistake.

He hoped.

* * *

Hakkai’s train was late. The trains almost never ran late, it just figured they would on the one day Gojyo was waiting for a particular one. He paced back and forth across the platform, anxious as hell. He hadn’t seen Hakkai in the better part of a year, what if...

It stopped there, as abruptly as if he had hit a brick wall. There were too many thoughts in there and too many what if’s for him to settle on just one. So he sat on a bench, pulled a knee up against his chest and tried to focus on just _fousing_. He had to keep himself under control while Hakkai was visiting, not let him see that he hadn’t done exactly as they agreed and moved on with – everything. It was stupid to be all bent out of shape after just one night anyway – even if it was one night with the best friend he had ever had.

“Gojyo?”

He nearly shot off the bench at the sound of that voice, but managed to only jerk his head up and grin madly.

“Hakkai! Hey man, long time no see – you look...”

Good. He looked good, always did, even in a loose sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers. He looked fucking amazing and happy and...Gojyo had to stop right there before his thoughts got away from him. When he picked himself up off the bench, Hakkai hugged him, and smiled.

“It’s so good to see you again Gojyo.”

“Yeah...” Gojyo’s voice cracked a little despite himself, “Good to see you too, seriously.”

* * *

“I saw your brother the last time I went home.”

“Oh?” Gojyo sipped his beer and scanned the menu. He had no idea how half the foods listed were going to taste; he had picked the restaurant on a total fluke because it looked halfway classy, like some place that might serve vegetables instead of just deep-fried meat, but not so fancy that it was like a date restaurant – because he and Hakkai were trying to get away from that sort of thing.

Not that they had ever done that sort of thing, really.

“He talked about you a great deal – perhaps you should go home to visit more often.”

Gojyo felt his cheeks colour slightly. There was a perfectly good reason he didn’t go home; because all their old friends were there, all their old memories. “Well it’s hard for me to get time off you know – I mean I practically had to sell my soul to get three days off to spend with you...”

When Gojyo glanced up, Hakkai’s cheeks were pink and his hair was hanging in his eyes.

“Man...” he backpedalled quickly, “I didn’t mean...”

“I know what you meant Gojyo, really. I didn’t want my visit to be a hardship on you...”

“It’s not – seriously. Now what are you gonna order? I’m starving.”

* * *

Thinking back on it, Gojyo had probably been in love with Hakkai since the he was fifteen years old. They had met at high school orientation – Gojyo, the brashly awkward tough kid, and Hakkai, the quiet, brainy kid with the impossibly bright future ahead of him. By all rights, they really shouldn’t have gotten along at all – given any other circumstances they would probably have run in entirely different circles, never crossing paths if not for the quirk of a seating arrangement.

_“Excuse me would you...mind if we switched seats?”_

With those simple, common-place words, Gojyo’s whole life had changed. Sure he hadn’t planned on it – really, who the hell _wanted_ to fall in love with their best friend, their best friend of the same sex, and complicate their whole life and friendship like that? But it was as true as breathing, and he had ignored it, denied it, crushed it down under better reasoning until the end of their senior year.

Why he decided that night in March, with all their notes for History of the Meji era spread out across Hakkai’s bedroom floor, to just lean over and kiss him, Gojyo would probably never know. But the fact remained that he did it; it was quick and wet and their noses bumped together, but even still it was as good as Gojyo had ever dreamed. He could still remember the look on Hakkai’s face: the subtle mix of surprise and pleasure, and how he almost immediately leaned over – carefully re-written, highlighted and categorized notes crinkling under the palms of his hands – and kissed Gojyo back, warm and eager.

It was awkward and messy and way too quick, that first time on Hakkai’s bedroom floor. They didn’t even really get any of their clothes off, just kissed and touched and fumbled, making little noises, finally got their pants open, barely managed to get skin against skin and it was all over. Afterwards they just sort of lay there, with their feet kicking against textbooks and rustling through abandoned notes, messy and embarrassed but happy.

_“I wanted to do that for a really long time,”_ Gojyo had confessed.

_“That exactly?”_ Hakkai asked – still friendly, still teasing, still so very much _Hakkai_ that it was absolutely perfect.

_“Well, I sort of had other ideas too...”_

_“Would you like to show me?”_

As they lay together afterwards, on Hakkai’s double bed, naked and warm and thinking about anything but the Osaka Conference of 1875, Gojyo had decided that no matter what anyone else thought of it, he could, and would, be very happy with Hakkai for the rest of his life.

What Gojyo hadn’t known then, and wouldn’t know until the end of the week, was that Hakkai had already accepted the full scholarship to med school.

* * *

Gojyo laid the spare blankets down on the futon while Hakkai was in the shower. He didn’t want Hakkai looking over his shoulder while he set it all up, there was too much...too much everything involved. They had had a good dinner – talked about school – Hakkai was already thinking ahead to his residency, all the different specialties he might go in for – all the people back home, even Gojyo’s shit job.

_“Maybe you could go to culinary school,”_ Hakkai had suggested at one point, _“you know, study to become a chef.”_

Gojyo had nodded, made all the proper, thoughtful noises – but really he had no intention of doing anything like that. Cooking was just a job that he did, he didn’t have any passion for it, any desire to really keep at it for the rest of his life. The truth was he was probably still stuck in his senior year of high school, clinging to that moment when he had been sure his life would turn out perfectly.

It had been childish to think that, no matter what the reason, but the sensation was still there, lingering, haunting him.

He picked up Hakkai’s bag, went to move it without realizing that the top was still open, and the contents spilled across the floor, clothes and books – textbooks on biology, anatomy. As he packed everything hastily back in, Gojyo couldn’t help but stop and take a look – just a short one – at some of them, just to see what Hakkai was studying. It all looked complicated and difficult, daunting even. Gojyo wasn’t sure he would want the kind of responsibility that doctors had, life and death relying on his judgement. Hell, he couldn’t even figure out his relationship with his best friend, there was no way anyone would ever trust him to figure out how to save a person’s life.

He picked up Hakkai’s binder, which had fallen open when it hit the floor. He set it on the futon for a moment, smoothing out the wrinkled hand-written pages, and as he went to close the cover, something tucked into a transparent pocket on the inside caught his eye.

It was a string of four black and white photographs that he and Hakkai had taken at the mall, early on their last real day together. Gojyo remembered how perfectly it had started out, how terribly it had ended. He had never stopped to think about what happened to the pictures.

The last one in the set was his favourite – perfectly capturing his own ridiculously shocked expression as Hakkai leaned over and kissed him in the low light before the flash.

The bathroom door opened, expelling a low cloud of scented steam, and Gojyo quickly snapped the binder shut, shoving it away into Hakkai’s bag just as he came out of the bathroom, wearing sweats and his old novelty _Dawn of the Dead_ T-shirt, so faded now that it was almost unreadable. The zombie head was just an after-image, like the stars left in someone’s field of vision after a camera flash, and the title was just an outline. The last time Gojyo had seen that shirt had been the day Hakkai told him he was going to Tokyo, and seeing it now made his chest ache.

“I’m sorry Gojyo – I used the last of your shampoo.”

“No – uh – no worries man,” Gojyo managed, looking away, “I must’ve forgotten to pick more up is all. I can get some in the morning.”

“Were you...” Hakkai stepped around the futon, giving Gojyo a curious look, “Going through my things Gojyo?”

“No!” Gojyo felt his face heat immediately, “I mean – not on purpose.” He ducked his head, abashed as he handed the bag over, “I picked it up and it was open and everything just sort of spilled out. Sorry.”

“That’s alright,” Hakkai sat on the futon and tried to work the contents of his bag into some semblance of order without pulling everything back out, “that’s not your fault.”

“I would never snoop on you man,” Gojyo sat next to him, not as near as he wanted to be, not as far as he probably should have been.

“I know that Gojyo.”

“Not on purpose,” Gojyo added, staring down at his feet, “But I did uh – I did see something.”

“What...sort of something,” Hakkai’s eyes flickered to Gojyo and then back to his bag. He took a textbook out and set it on the bed.

“Just some...pictures,” Gojyo cleared his throat nervously. He was pretty sure his face was beet red. “In your binder.”

“Oh...”

Gojyo glanced over and Hakkai was bright, violent red, probably a combination of the heat from the shower and embarrassment. Gojyo took a deep breath, and his head spun a little from the scent of Hakkai’s damp skin mixed with his own familiar shampoo. “Yeah I...I didn’t know you kept those.”

Hakkai actually laughed at that, sharp and a little bitter, “Did you think I would throw them out?”

“I dunno man.”

“They’re very special to me.”

“Really?” A tiny, butterfly sensation rose up in Gojyo’s stomach, “I never would’ve thought...”

Hakkai stood suddenly, swung his backpack over his shoulder so quickly that it almost took Gojyo’s head off, “I’m sorry Gojyo – maybe I should go find a hotel room.”

“Are you nuts?” Gojyo protested, “At this time of night? C’mon, look, I’m sorry I brought it up, but don’t go, okay?”

“I really should,” Hakkai was already moving towards the door.

Gojyo went after him, grabbing his wrist as he reached for his jacket on the hook by the door, “Look I’m doing the best I can here Hakkai - _please_.”

“I know you are Gojyo,” Hakkai’s fingers curled in the fabric of his jacket and his shoulders slumped, “This is my fault really. All of it. I shouldn’t have come.”

“I wanted you to come. Hakkai, I miss you. You’re my friend, aren’t you? I don’t care about what happened before. I’m not mad about it. I still want us to be friends, that’s all.”

“You...” Hakkai’s voice wavered a little, like a broken radio signal, “You missed me?”

“Yeah,” Gojyo leaned forward, put his chin on Hakkai’s shoulder. He smelled of fresh water and soap. “Of course I did. I just thought you obviously had more important things to worry about.”

“It would have been nice to know you were thinking of me. I thought...I mean you were the one who said we should just...”

Gojyo slid his hand over Hakkai’s mouth, kissed the side of his neck. He knew perfectly well what he had said.

_“Let’s just forget about it all. It doesn’t matter anyway, right? – it’s not like anything special happened.”_

“I didn’t mean it you know. I just didn’t want to get in the way.”

When he drew his hand away from Hakkai’s mouth, Hakkai laughed, not a happy sound, “This is crazy but – I almost wanted you to tell me not to go.”

Gojyo slid his arm around Hakkai’s waist, up underneath his shirt. His stomach was warm, smooth except for the old scar from the car accident. “But then you might have stayed.”

Hakkai leaned back against him, and when he laughed the second time, it was a little more genuine, “Yes, I guess I might have.”

“Then I’m glad I didn’t say anything back then. But is it too late to ask you to stay now?”

There was a long moment when Gojyo actually thought Hakkai might say no. Then he turned and laced his fingers together behind Gojyo’s neck, “It’s never too late Gojyo.”

* * *

The futon was hard, the mattress so thin that the support beams dug uncomfortably into Gojyo’s knees as he straddled Hakkai’s trembling thighs and lowered himself onto Hakkai’s slicked cock. The stretch felt like fire all the way up his spine and it created impossible pressure in the pit of his stomach, so intense he almost wanted to cry from it. He pressed his face into Hakkai’s neck, shifted to try and relieve some of the pressure but only made it root deeper into his body so that he could barely breathe.

“God...” he shivered as Hakkai’s hands skimmed over his back, trying to coax the muscles into relaxation, “How did you even do this last time?”

“It gets better if you move,” Hakkai advised. His voice had gone completely raw and he seemed to have to swallow after every breath. Gojyo kissed him, sucked hard on his tongue as he rose up and then let his own weight carry him down. The pressure was both better and worse when he moved, but once he had started, he couldn’t stop. Hakkai kissed him hard and wrapped a hand around his leaking cock, dragging skin against skin, making him moan.

“I love you Gojyo...”

Gojyo moved desperately at that, fingers digging into Hakkai’s shoulders as he rocked into Hakkai’s fist and sank onto his cock. Hakkai’s free hand tangled in his hair and pulled him in until their lips seemed permanently melded together. Their bodies too, compressed by heat and the strength of their desire, seemed like they would finally never come apart.

* * *

“So – you’re going to be back, right?”

The platform was crowded, they had about five minutes before the train left, and Gojyo still had so much he wanted to say. He had never felt like he had spent so much, yet so little time with someone. He had lost three days somewhere in between the bed-sheets on the futon and his knees were bruised.

“Of course I will,” Hakkai squeezed his hand, and Gojyo was pretty sure he wasn’t going to let go, but at the same time, he knew it had to happen.

“Don’t study too hard.”

Hakkai laughed, “I won’t. Call your brother.”

“I will.”

The whistle sounded. Hakkai kissed him. If anyone saw, they didn’t say anything about it, and Gojyo wouldn’t have cared if they had.

As the train pulled out of the station Gojyo tugged his cell phone out of his pocket, dialled, and chewed on his lip as he listened to it ring out.

“Hey...Jien? Yeah, I know...long time.”

-End-


End file.
